Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
