You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
