Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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