I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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