you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
