My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
