Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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