I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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