The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
