I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
