I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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