It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
