I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
