someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
