before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
