the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
