onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
