First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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