he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
