Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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