A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Come share oat with me in your robe
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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