so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
