I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I could fuck to npr.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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