I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
