I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
