just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
