Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
