I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
