my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
