i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
