Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
