I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
