Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
