Im at strip club and am horny
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
