Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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