She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
