i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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