My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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