I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
