im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
