Apparently you make a good broom.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
