Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
