Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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