just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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