my phone needs a breathalizer
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
