Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
