After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
