Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
