Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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