Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
