You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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