8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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